Surrounded By Darkness
by Atsureki
Summary: YojiKen. Ken makes a misstake during a mission that nearly costs Yoji his life. Ken ends up blind and Yoji drifts away from his lover. Can they find each other again when one of them is surrounded by darkness?
1. Prologue

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! The poem at the end is mine so don't steal. Um not that anyone would want my crappy poetry *laffs*

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts. (This fic was known as When Darkness Is Upon Me but I changed the title after ff.net ¤&#"#"% me over *sweet smile*)

Prologue

__

It's so scary when… I wish I could… No, I'm not going to think about that now, I just can't. I don't know how I'm suppose to live like this, I don't know if I can. My actions seems to have crippled your feelings for me and it hurts so much. All I was trying to do was protect you. I know you blame me for the things that went wrong and what can I say? It was and is my fault, I know that. 

But even so you have to know that it's better this way. If I hadn't done what I did you would have been dead and that would be so much worse, wouldn't it? Please just tell me that you think it's better this way? What would you have wanted me to do instead? Let you die right infront of my eyes? No, I love you too much for that, hell even if I didn't love you I wouldn't have been able to let that happen and you know it! 

So why do you keep punishing me? Don't you think I suffer enough as it is? Because I do. I suffer because I hurt you even though I didn't mean to. Please believe me, I never meant to hurt you by…

I just don't understand how you work sometimes. You're moving away from me, from us because of something that neither one of us can change. I know it's hard, but how can this situation be harder on you than it is on me? I'm the one who has to live like this, not you. Of course I understand that it's difficult for you to see me like this but I am alive and I would be happy if you just would love me again. Please? 

I feel so unsafe, so left out, so disconnected from the real world. This new world is so cold, empty and dark. I have my memories from the other world but memories are designed to fade and mine are doing just that. I'm begging you not to dwell on it any longer because it's killing me. I messed up, I know I did but you weren't hurt and I was instead. That's the way it should be. The mistake was made by me and I am paying for it but you keep making me pay more, more than I can handle.

It's so scary when darkness is upon me. I wish I could just see your face again. And please believe me, I never meant to hurt you by taking a bullet in the head. I am sorry that I didn't pay attention, that I didn't see that last guard but didn't I at least repay you a little when I threw myself between you and that bullet? Isn't the punishment I got enough? Do you blame me for loving you so much? Does my blindness make you incapable of loving me? 

I don't understand. And I can no longer search your eyes for the answer. My eyes can't see you anymore and I'm afraid that soon my heart won't be able to feel you anymore because you've gone so far away… This is getting me nowhere. I should just give up and let you go away because I think that's what you want but… 

What do I have left if I let you go? What do I hold on to? I can't see, I am blind but why did my blindness wreck everything between us? I don't understand, I really don't. Please explain why you treat me like this because I can't figure it out on my own. I wish I could write these thoughts down but as we both know I can't write anymore, I can't read, I can't even leave my room without falling flat on my face. 

If you ever feel like talking you know where to find me, I'll always be waiting, waiting for you to turn around and see that I'm still here and I'm still me even though I can't see you anymore…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. It was difficult for him to pay attention to his work but it didn't really matter. His team-mates had taken down the last guards and he had himself finished off the target so he could spare himself the luxery of staring at his lover while they waited for the others to join them. There was something extremely thrilling about watching that man in full assassin mode. 

A sound made him swirl around and the smile on his face died. There was a guard standing there. He didn't understand, all the guards were suppose to be dead. An arrow was sticking out from the man's chest and he had blood trickling down his chin. The wounded and most likely dying guard raised his hand holding a gun.

"YOJI MOVE!" he yelled and threw himself forward. The lanky blonde was completey unprotected on the other side of the room and he wouldn't be able to duck a bullet. A shot went off and he dove forward not caring if it hit him as long as it didn't hit his lover. 

The pain was like a flash of lightning and his head jerked to the side from the impact before his body hit the floor. Moments later he couldn't feel anything except numbness. It felt like someone had shoved his head into a pit in the ground. Everything was dark, black. A scream was heard and then a loud thud.

"KEN!" He tried to sit up but he couldn't move. "Don't move baby, don't move." Something was pressed against his head. "Call an ambulance! NOW!"

"What's wrong?" a soft voice asked filled with concern.

"The guard. Ken's been hit. Oh dear God there's blood everywhere. He shot him in the head. Just hurry please." He wanted to tell Yoji that he was okay but he couldn't quite gather himself enough to actually speak. "Ken? Hang on baby, just please hang on."

"The ambulance is on its way," a deep smooth voice said from somewhere behind him. "No Yoji don't try to move him."

"Aya is he gonna be okay?"

"I don't know, I don't know." A hand grabbed his and that was the last thing he felt before the pit his head was already in swallowed him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Everything was dark. There wasn't a any light what so ever and it scared him. He whimpered and desperatly tried to see through the blackness that surrounded him. Panic rushed through him when it didn't work and he jerked back and forth in a feeble attempt to get away.

"Try to stay still Hidaka-san," a female voice mumbled and hands pushed him back. "Doctor Ishikawa!?" He heard someone come closer but he couldn't see anything.

"Ah he's awake," a calm voice said and more hands were placed on him. "Hidaka-san you have to lie still!" He didn't want to lie still he wanted to get out of the darkness!

"Ken?" He knew that voice and he reached out his hand after its owner. "Calm down." Familier fingers wrapped around his and squeezed. "Sch calm down, I'm right here." _Yoji,_ his confused mind decided and he relaxed slightly. He wasn't alone Yoji was there to protect him.

"I can't see," he whimpered.

"I know, your eyes are covered with bandages. Just please calm down Ken." The brunette swallowed and did as he was told. As soon as the panic subsided the pain took over. His head felt like it had been split opened.

"Kudou-san you have to leave," the voice that he understood belonged to Doctor Ishikawa said flatly.

"NO! Yoji don't leave me I'm scared."

"Don't worry I'm not going anywhere." Even though Ken couldn't see he knew that his lover was glaring at the doctor. "I'm right here."

"You really shouldn't be in here!"

"I don't give a fuck! He's scared and I'm not leaving him!"

"Fine! You can stay as long as you keep him calm. If he has another fit I'll have no other choice than to sedate him again." Someone left the room but Yoji was still holding his hand.

"Bastard!" the lanky blonde growled sourly and held his lover's hand tighter.

"What happened?" Ken asked quietly and tried to push aside the pain.

"You don't remember? Ken you were shot in the head during a mission," Yoji mumbled but his voice sounded so very strange.

"Are you okay? You're not hurt, are you?" Soft fingers caressed his cheek.

"I'm fine Ken. You threw yourself between the bullet and me." It was quiet for a while but he knew that Yoji had something more to say. "Ken there's something I have to tell you."

"What? Are Omi and Aya okay? Oh God they're not hurt are they?" Panic started to rise inside of him again.

"No they're fine, this is about you Ken. Doctor Ishikawa had to remove the bullet from you head and he… Ken… they don't think you'll ever be able to see again."

__

Hold me close  
Protect me  
Love me  
Please don't leave me  
Be my eyes  
Be my light  
And please just hold me  
I'm scared and I need you  
I need you to be my light  
Be my light, when darkness is upon me

~TBC~

I just had to write myself a Yoji/Ken fic *chuckles* And this idea popped into my head late last night when I couldn't sleep. So we have a blind Ken and something that's wrong with Yoji. Want to find out what and stuff? Well then ppl you know what to do, ne? Ja/Atsureki


	2. Chapter 1 Blindness

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 1. Blindness

He was blind and therefor completely locked away from the real world. The doctor had removed the bandages a week ago and there was nothing out there anymore. Complete and utter blackness was the only thing he could see and it was scary. He felt so alone, so cut off from everybody and everything. Everytime someone touched him he freaked because he could never be sure of who it was or why they were touching him. 

Ken curled up on his bed and shivered. He had been home for several hours and his friends had left him alone but he didn't want to be alone. His ears strained themselves since they were the only sense he still had left that could tell him anything about what was going on around him. Nothing, there was nothing out there. Panic started to grow inside of him as tears welled up in his useless eyes. 

He was all alone in a dark unfriendly place and he couldn't stand it a moment longer. With a high-pitched scream Ken bolted from his bed, stumbled across something he couldn't see and fell to the floor. Sobs shook his body as he crawled across the cold wood. Where was he? Where was he?! The panic grew stronger and almost suffocated him.

"Help me," he choked out as his head made contact with something hard. He didn't know what it was but at least it was something he could feel so he kept on slamming his head against it. The wound from the bullet started hurting like hell but he didn't really care. Whatever it was he had contact with it suddenly disappeared and he fell flat on his face. A strong hand grabbed him and he screamed in fear. "No go away!" 

"Ken?" He knew the voice well but since he had lost his sight he was so confused, so unsure about everything.

"Who's there?" Ken asked as he kept on trying to get away.

"It's me, Aya."

"Aya?" Another hand joined the first and pulled him to his feet.

"What are you doing?" Good question but unfortunately Ken had no answer. "Ken?" Aya lead him back to bed and gently but firmly pushed him down on it. "You're bleeding."

"I don't care," the brunette muttered and tried to get up again.

"Stay!"

"Fuck you! I'm not a dog you can order around," Ken snapped and knew he was acting like a complete jerk. Why had Aya showed up to help him? Why wasn't Yoji… The tears started falling again. Yoji hadn't been near him since that day in the hospital when he told him that he was blind and that was over a week ago. "I'm sorry." Aya didn't say anything and he could no longer say for sure if the redhead was there or not. "Aya?"

"Aa." He wasn't alone, the redhead was still there. A hand touched him but it wasn't Aya. Again scared Ken flinched away and whimpered. Who was it this time?

"Yoji?" he asked hopefully and desperately wanted to hear and feel his lover.

"Sorry Ken-kun it's just me, Omi."

"Oh." There was no way he could hide the disappointment in his voice. "Where… where is Yoji?" Neither one of his friends answered him. "Omi?"

"Hai Ken-kun?"

"Where is he?" Ken sighed, he wanted to see the look on Omi's face so that he could understand what was going on.

"Ken…"

"Aya! Where is he?!" He heard a sigh but had no way of knowing who it came from.

"Yoji went out earlier, before we brought you back here," the redhead answered slowly. Ken turned his back to them and flopped down on the bed.

"Get out!" Another sigh and then he heard the door close. "Why Yoji?" he asked out loud when he was alone again. "Why aren't you here? I need you."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He was drunk, very drunk and it was a bliss. The bartender seemed to understand what he wanted so the alcohol just kept on coming without him having to order it. A low chuckled escaped him as he downed another glass of whatever it was he was drinking. It was real late or perhaps early depending on how he looked at it. The bar was deserted and the place was about to close but he didn't want to go home to… to…

"Fuck!" he slurred with annoyance. Now he had ruined a perfectly good state of drunkness by thinking about… "Fuck!"

"I've called a cab for you." His head lolled from side to side as he lifted it to look at the bartender.

"I's okay I can drive just fine."

"I'm sorry Sir but you are not driving, you're wasted!" the bartender snapped and took away his glass.

"Hey I was drinking that!"

"You've had more than enough Blondie it's time to go home and sleep it off."

"Can't go home… He's there," he muttered sadly and took a hold of the bar to keep himself from falling off his chair. "Hate him y'know…"

"You're drunk."

"Sooo? Still dun change an'thing."

"Kudou!" A deep smooth and angry voice forced him to turn around.

"Ah lookie it's our fearl's leader. Wha' ya doin' here Aya?" Yoji said and smiled widely with his eyes crossed as he tried to look at his team-mate.

"You're such a bastard Kudou! Why the hell did you just leave like that?" Now he was confused, leave like what?

"Huh? I just went out for a drrrink," the blonde slurred and dragged out the r.

"Shut up!" Aya pulled him up and dragged him towards the exit. "If you weren't drunk I'd beat you black and blue!"

"Oooh Aya's angry with lil ol' me," Yoji chuckled and tried to get his feet to at least touch the pavement.

"Why are you hurting him?" The drunk blonde squinted his eyes in confusion.

"Who' hurting?"

"Throw up and you die! " Aya barked and shoved him inside the car. "Ken, you idiot!"

"I… I…" No he wasn't going to think about Ken, he couldn't. Suddenly he wasn't anywhere near drunk enough. "He's… I…" His heart screamed and tried to crawl away from the reality that Aya had showed it. "Dun wan' talk 'bout him!"

"Fuck you Kudou! Fuck you! He's falling apart and the only thing you can do is get yourself shit-faced." Yoji cowered on his seat and rubbed his face. He wanted to cry but no tears came.

"I hate him Aya… Hate him," he mumbled sadly. The redhead stared at Yoji and frowned deeply. "Love 'im too," the blonde added with a sigh and passed out.

~TBC~

Okay sorry about the way Yoji talks here when he's drunk. I went with how I talk when I've had a little too much to drink *cough cough* I tend to swallow letters when I'm drunk and I can't really see Yoji as someone who slurs as most ppl do when they've gotten plastered. Sorry if it's confusing and stuff… *sighs* 

Now, what the hell is wrong with Yoji?? He hates Ken? Why? But he loves him too? Yoji needs to get sober and think about what he's doing ne? And poor Kenken, blind, scared and alone. *hugs Ken* Ja/Atsureki


	3. Chapter 2 Pain

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, short chapter.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 2. Pain

Ken hid his face in the pillow as he listened to the familier sounds. It had been the same almost every night since he had come back from the hospital. Early in the morning he would wake up, if he was asleep, to the sounds of a drunk Yoji stumbling up the stairs to his room, their room. The blonde still hadn't said a word to him and it hurt so much. 

He had really thought that Yoji loved him but obviously that was just something he had imagined? Ken curled up and hugged his pillow to his face to suffocate the sobs. Tears were the only thing his eyes were good for now. He winced as a sharp stab of pain warned him about crying again. 

His doctor had told him that patients that had suffered from damages to the brain sometimes were plagued by headaches so severe that they couldn't even move because of the pain. Scared he tried to stop the tears and the sobbing but he just couldn't. It was too much to deal with everything from the darkness that now was his reality to the fact that his lover had turned his back on him. 

Suddenly his whole body tensed and he let out a choked scream of pure agony. It was like nothing he had ever felt in his life before. The pain was tearing him apart as it shot through him. His head was pulled to the side as the muscles in his neck contracted. Ken screamed again. He couldn't take the pain, it was scaring him so much and made even worse by the fact that he couldn't see anything.

"Please help me," he whimpered and moaned as lightning after lightning of scolding white agony ran through his body. Fingers touched his face and he let out a squeak of fear but he knew that touch. The first hand was joined by a second and they pulled him close to a body he knew so well. "I… I ca… can't breathe." He was turned over on his side and gentle fingers started massaging the painfully tense muscles in his neck.

"What's wrong with him?" a quiet voice asked.

"I don't know." He heard the sounds of someone moving around but the hands never left him.

"Try these. Doctor Ishikawa prescribed them for him." A pill was placed in his mouth and the hands tried to rearrange him so he was sitting. It hurt so he let out a yelp and squeezed his eyes shut.

"You have to drink something to swallow that pill," the familier and safe voice said and something cool was placed against his lips. "Just take a little sip baby." Ken did as he was told and managed to force the pill down his throat.

"Hu… hurts."

"I know Ken I know. Does it help when I do this?" Fingers started massaging his neck again and the brunette groaned in pain. It hurt but it also lessened the pain. After almost half an hour Ken's dark world turned silent and he slipped away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yoji stared at the brunette and for a moment he almost thought Ken was dead. Trembling the blonde let go and backed away. He had been so scared when he heard the painfilled screams. Ken was still breathing but he had obviously passed out.

"How is he?" Yoji turned around and swallowed.

"I… He's asleep or something."

"Doctor Ishikawa warned us about this," a deep smooth voice said flatly. "But you wouldn't know anything about that since you weren't there!" Yoji lowered his eyes and corrected his clothes. Aya was right, he hadn't been there for Ken. "You've been drinking again haven't you?"

"Aya-kun, this isn't helping Ken-kun," Omi mumbled and shook his head.

"Neither is he!" the redhead snorted and went back to his room.

"Why Yoji-kun? Why are you punishing him so much and for what?" The lanky blonde looked at his youngest friend but he didn't answer. He didn't know how to explain how he felt inside because he didn't really understand it himself. "You can blame him for not noticing that guard Yoji-kun, but it isn't fair to blame him for loving you, for trying to protect you," Omi said firmly and left him alone. 

Green eyes closed and the tall blonde sighed deeply. He loved Ken, he wanted Ken but… a part of him also hated the brunette, although not for the reasons Aya or Omi had stated, and that part knew that he couldn't have Ken, not now, not ever again. Yoji turned his back to his lover, former lover, and walked out. He shouldn't have allowed himself to fall for Ken but it was too late for second thoughts now.

"Just look at what my love did you to you," the blonde mumbled sadly as he entered his own dark cold room. It was so empty without Ken and he could barely stand it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken was awake but he tried not to move a muscle in fear that the pain would return. Besides, it wasn't like he could get up or anything. He couldn't even go to the bathroom on his own anymore. Every day, and night for that matter, was spent in his bed, alone in the suffocating darkness. 

Extremely carefully Ken brushed away some hair that was tickling his face. Yoji had helped him the previous night but why? Why did he even bothered? The brunette slowly flipped over to his back and rubbed his temples. He wished he was dead and he would have made his wish come true if he only could. But that was the problem wasn't it? Since he had gone blind he was completely and utterly helpless. Comitting suicide was out of the question.

"How pathetic is that?" he growled and hit the bed. "If I'm gonna kill myself I have to ask for help 'cause I can't fucking see!" Tears of frustration and anger started building up in his eyes. Why couldn't that damn bullet just have killed him instead? Couldn't he have died from it like a normal person? Life was so unfair. 

And then there was Yoji… Yoji hated him, he could feel it, why Ken wasn't exactly sure of though and it didn't really make any diffrence. He wanted to go away, to forget his blonde former lover but where was he suppose to go? Helpless, with no family and blind? It wasn't exactly like he could just pack his things and go. It was hopeless and it was killing him inside. 

He needed help but even more so he needed Yoji's love. But he wasn't going to have that, was he? The lanky blonde had turned his back on him when he needed him the most and he couldn't really understand why. Ken wiped away his tears and sighed sadly. 

He was nothing more than a pathetic fool who cried over someone who obviously no longer wanted him. A pathetic blind fool who was completely useless. A sarcastic smile appeared on the brunette's face.

"You don't have to wait for me in hell anymore Kase," he suddenly said out loud. "I might still be alive but I'm already in hell."

~TBC~

Poor Ken *sighs* And what is really going on with Yoji? He's suffering too and he really should have a talk with Kenken ne? What's Ken gonna do? Is he gonna try to kill himself or will someone help him get back among the living again? Ja/Atsureki


	4. Chapter 3 Help

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, short chapter.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 3. Help

He was awake but hadn't opened his eyes. What diffrence did it make anyway? Closed or opened he still couldn't see anything but darkness, a scary black void. Sounds were the only thing left that linked him to the real world but it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. He was just so scared of everything. 

When someone touched him he flinched and his heart raced even if he knew who it was. But the hardest thing was that he no longer could look people in the eyes. Without that it was so hard for him to tell what others were thinking, feeling or what they wanted from him. Aya was probably the only one where it didn't seem to matter since he never showed anything in his eyes anyway and Yoji… 

Ken bit his lip. Why couldn't he stop thinking about him!? Why couldn't his heart just get that Yoji didn't want anything to do with him anymore? He had almost gotten his lover, or former lover, killed for crying out loud! Was it really that strange that the blonde had turned away from him? _He hates me,_ Ken sighed inside, _and that should be okay cause I hate me too._

Yes he did hate himself for not paying attention, for not being able to protect the one he loved better and most of all he hated himself for being angry with Yoji. He wanted to shake the taller man, force him to talk, force him to forgive him. The brunette shook his head. Why would anyone want a man like him as a lover anyway? He was completely useless, couldn't even leave his room on his own. With a sigh he closed his eyes again. 

"You need a shower," a flat voice stated and Ken almost had an heartattack. 

"Who's there?" he squeaked in fear. That was another thing that really bothered him. He had lived with those three men for years and now just because he was blind he couldn't be sure of which voice belonged to whom. Actually it was much more complicated than that. Ken knew who was talking to him but he was too scared to feel certain.

"Ken you're going to have to stop this!" 

"Stop what?!" the brunette snapped and turned his back to the voice he knew deep down inside belonged to Aya.

"Are you really this pathetic Ken? Are you gonna spend the rest of your life lying in bed and feeling sorry for yourself? You're blind, deal with it!" Ken narrowed his unseeing eyes and clenched his jaws together.

"Fuck you Aya! You have no idea what this is like so just fuck off!" To his complete surprise the redhead laughed at him.

"And what are you going to do if I fuck off Ken? I mean let's face it you are completely helpless, aren't you? If I fuck off you won't even be able to go to the bathroom anymore. Omi has school all day so I am the only one left." Aya was mocking him just to provoke him and the brunette knew it, but he fell for it just the same.

"I can fucking make it to the bathroom by myself!" he snarled and scooted off the bed.

"Is that so? I doubt it Kenken," Aya taunted him. 

"Don't call me that!" Ken rose to his feet and swayed. "Just fuck off and leave me alone!" The redhead said nothing but there was no sounds of him leaving. Scared and unsure the brunette felt around with his hands. He should know that room but it wasn't that easy when he couldn't see anything. With hesitation he took a few small steps forward, his hands stretched out infront of him. He tripped over something and fought hard to keep his balance. Panicking he froze. He didn't know where he was anymore, couldn't be sure if he had turned or not. "Help me," Ken pleaded and desperately felt around for something, anything that would tell him where he was in the room. A warm hand touched his and he flinched.

"Calm down Ken," Aya's deep smooth voice said softly. "We'll figure this out together, okay?" The brunette nodded. "Good, now just stay calm and I'll help you. You're facing the door, it's about four or five steps away and you need to move a little to the right to stay clear." Ken nervously bit his lip and moved forward and to the right. "One more step and you'll have the frame to your left." 

"I'm scared Aya," the brunette whispered but kept moving anyway. His left hand found the door-frame and he grabbed onto it.

"See you made it," the redhead said calmly. "Now just follow my voice." With Aya's help he made it to the stairs. "I'm gonna help you with the steps. Take a hold of the railing with your right hand." He did as the stoic man said and felt Aya take his other hand in his. "Feel for the steps Ken and don't move until you're sure."

"No I'm gonna fall!" the brunette whined and took a step back.

"I won't let you fall Ken, trust me. We'll take it slow." It was slow and it was scary but he made it downstairs safe and unharmed.

"Thank you Aya," Ken murmured and lowered his face.

"You're welcome," the redhead said softly. "Kitchen or the living-room?"

"Kitchen please."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eating was another thing that was hard to do for him. Chop-sticks were out of the question and even with a fork or a spoon he had to feel around to make sure he had anything to put in his mouth. And then there was the process of actually finding the way to his mouth without spilling whatever it was he was suppose to be eating. For the third time the soup Aya had made for him ended up on his shirt. Ken fought against the tears that wanted to spill and tossed the spoon to the floor.

"Fuck this!"

"Ken don't give up so easily," Aya scolded him lightly and placed another spoon in the brunette's reluctant hand. "Lean forward a little more and take it slow." Ken growled but did as he was instructed. It was easier that way and he managed to put some food in his mouth. "See you aren't helpless." The brunette actually smiled a little and tried again. It took oh so long but he finished without any more spills.

"Could you um help me to the living-room?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," Aya answered. "Just stand up and follow my voice. I'll tell you how to get there." Carefully and guided by the redhead he started walking. He made an effort of trying to count the steps and the direction so that he would remember it later. "Couch, left, two steps. Table, right, two steps." Ken nodded and moved forward until he came into contact with the couch. Proud and relieved he sank down on it and sighed with content.

"Thank you." Aya didn't answer but when the brunette took a moment to sense things he knew that his friend was standing beside him. "Why are you helping me?"

"Why? Why wouldn't I Ken?" 

"I just… I've been such a bastard lately," Ken admitted with guilt.

"I understand that this is hard for you and that it'll take time to get used to but all you have to do is ask for help Ken. No one is going to think less of you for it."

"I am sorry though. Hey Aya?"

"Aa."

"Do you think you could help me take a shower? I stink, don't I?"

"Aa you do. Just get up and we'll see what we can do, ne?" Ken turned to the sound of Aya's voice and smiled.

"Thanks."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yoji closed the shop for lunch and sighed. Aya hadn't showed up for his shift so he had had to face all the girls alone. Annoyed he headed to the kitchen to let the redhead know just what he thought about him at the moment. Frowning when he didn't find Aya the blonde headed upstairs. He had had a sleepless night but he had stayed at home. 

It had been two days since he had helped Ken with the sudden pains and he hadn't seen or talked to the brunette since. The sound of Aya's baritone lead Yoji to the bathroom. He looked inside and stiffened at the sight he saw there. The redhead was standing next to the shower which was occupied by a naked and wet Ken. Yoji's eyes narrowed and jealously burned inside of him. What the hell was going on?

"Easy there Ken or you'll slip. Here take my hand." Ken took the redhead's hand and was helped onto the floor where he remained standing, still naked and dripping water all over the place. Aya let go and moved away slightly.

"Aya?! Where are you?" There was obvious panic in the brunette's voice as he seemed to search the bathroom with his brown unseeing eyes.

"I'm right here Ken, just getting you a towel," Aya answered calmly and Yoji could see how the sound of the redhead's voice relaxed his lover. Why the hell was Aya acting so damn nice and caring? And why did Ken sound like he was so fucking dependent on the redhead? The lanky blonde fumed with jealousy and glared daggers at both men. When Aya started drying the brunette's tanned body he had had enough.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Yoji barked. Ken swirled around and slipped on the wet floor. He would have fallen straight through the glass of the shower's door if Aya hadn't caught him around the waist. 

"Kudou you idiot!" the redhead growled and pressed the slightly shorter man against his chest. "Are you trying to kill him?" Anger flashed in the amethyst eyes that glared into green. Slowly Aya let go of Ken and took a step back.

"No! Don't let me go Aya!" the brunette yelled almost in panic and reached out to find his security again. Yoji felt a sharp pain in his chest. He had been replaced that much was obvious. Ken didn't want him anymore, he wanted Aya instead.

"Sch I'm still right here," the redhead said softly and took Ken's hand. He wrapped the towel around the brunette's slender waist. "Let's get you back to your room and find some clothes." Ken nodded and they slowly made it to the door and to the tall blonde. "You and I are gonna have a little talk later!" Aya hissed at Yoji as they passed him.

~TBC~

Yoji's jealous! Does he have a reason? I mean Aya is there for Ken and Yoji isn't, ne? 

When it comes to the things Ken's afraid of I've just gone with what seemed normal in my head. I mean he is scared and unsure about everything and I think anyone would be. Most of the things Aya is doing to help him are pretty logical, aren't they? And the way he taunted Ken was just something that came naturally to me. Ken is hot-headed and in my book he hates it when he's a burden to someone. Even if he thinks he's helpless it must seriously tick him off to hear it said straight to his face ne? 

Now Yoji just needs to come around and face his problems and sort them out! I wonder what Aya is gonna say to him? Ja/Atsureki


	5. Chapter 4 The Bastard Filled With Guilt

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, short chapter.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or the cruel little voice in Yoji's head.

Chapter 4. The Bastard Filled With Guilt

Ken allowed Aya to help him get dressed. It was embarrassing that he needed the redhead so much but what could he do about it? Besides, he was lost in thoughts so he didn't really realize that he again was naked. 

Yoji was angry with him but Ken couldn't quite figure out why. Why was is bothering the blonde so much that Aya helped him? It wasn't like Yoji wanted to do it himself. He had made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the brunette and even if Ken didn't want it that way he knew he had to accept it. Their relationship was over but he needed someone who could keep the suffocating darkness at bay and if that someone was Aya then so be it. 

The complicated redhead was the one who spent most time at the house, the only one who had really made an effort to help him and for that Ken was grateful. He shuddered slightly when Aya's fingers brushed across his skin. It felt like it had been half a lifetime since someone had touched him or rather since he had touched someone. 

"Aya?"

"Aa," the redhead mumbled and took Ken's hands in his, placing them over the button and zipper of the brunette's jeans.

"I… I don't think I can…" Ken sighed.

"Don't give up before you've even tried it." With small frown the brunette managed to button the pants and pulled up the zipper. "See you can do a lot of things Ken." It sounded like Aya was smiling. "Did you want to ask me something?" The brunette nodded.

"Could I… Do you think…" Ken bit his lip and felt a blush spread across his cheeks. "Would you mind if… if I eh felt you?"

"Felt me?" Aya asked with confusion in his deep voice. 

"I just want to… 'see' you," Ken mumbled and hoped that his friend understood what he meant.

"Ah. Of course I don't mind Ken." The brunette raised his hands and carefully reached out. Aya helped him and put the tanned fingers on his own cheeks. For a moment Ken didn't move, didn't know how he was suppose to 'see' like that. With hesitation he brushed the soft pads of his index and middle fingers over the redhead's skin. 

He carefully ran them underneath and over the amethyst eyes he no longer could see, moved up and across thin eyebrows and back down over slightly protruding cheekbones. It actually worked. In his mind the image of Aya's face grew clearer. Ken smiled and continued his exploration. 

He followed the fine curves of the redhead's mouth and without thinking he brushed his left index finger over the soft slightly moist skin of Aya's lips. Strange how someone that could sound and look so harsh, cold and unyeilding could have lips that pliable and smooth. A quiet sound from Aya made him snap out of his thoughts and he removed his hands.

"Thank you," Ken murmured and tried to sound normal. 

"You're welcome," the redhead replied with his deep voice soft and slightly hushed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yoji backed away from the door and swallowed. It should have been his face under Ken's fingers not Aya's, but he had blown his chances. His former lover had simply moved on, replaced him with someone else. Yoji returned to his room and wished he had stayed there but the temptation of seeing Ken's tanned body had been too much. 

He missed that firm, strong and warm body but even more so he missed the man it belonged to. It had been so long since he had been forced to spend a night without him, before the accident that was. Sadly Yoji glanced at his bed. They had slept, talked, laughed, cuddled and made love there together but would they ever do any of that again? Yoji doubted it. 

"Why… why can't I forgive him?" the lanky blonde asked the room. "Why do a part of me hate him?" He just didn't understand, it didn't make any sense to him. He loved Ken, he was in love with Ken so why couldn't he move pass this? And just why did part of his heart and mind insist that he couldn't have the brunette? 

Yoji actually knew the answer to that quiestion but he didn't want to hear it, refused to listen. He wanted and needed Ken back but the guilt and anger inside of him refused to give him that chance. Every time he looked at the brunette, saw how his unseeing eyes looked straight through everything the pain in him doubled until it was smothering him. It was his fault that Ken was blind. He might as well have blinded his former lover himself.

"You shouldn't have tried to save me," Yoji spat out when the anger once again got the better of him. "You should have let that fucking guard kill me instead!" Exhausted he sank down on the bed and shook his head. He was going insane or perhaps he already had gone insane? Whichever it might be he had to do something about the state he was in. 

__

Move on, a voice mumbled inside his head. _Let him go Yoji. You can't have him, you don't even deserve him! Look what your love did to him? He could have died and it would have been all your fault._ The whisper seemed to mock him and it sure knew exactly how to play on his guilt. He swallowed and desperately tried to push it away. 

__

Everything you love you destroy Yoji. You've always known that so why did you allow yourself to love Ken? Isn't there enough blood on your hands already? Did you have to ruin his life before you were satisfied? And now you blame him for it? Shame on you Yoji! Shame on you for being such a pathetic, selfish bastard! 

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up," the blonde whimpered and covered his ears. "I didn't mean to… to…" The whispering voice chuckled at him with glee. 

__

That's not going to help you much. I'm all in your head Yoji. Now forget about Ken and move on before you really do kill him! Leave him to Aya, he'll take better care of Ken than you ever did. He refused to believe what the voice was telling him. Ken was his damnit! 

__

Is he really? Then why aren't you the one taking care of Ken? The one who helps him? Your love is something not even the Gods will forgive. The voice seemed to disappear but its last words rang through the blonde's head.

Jaded and strangely detached from himself Yoji rose, grabbed his keys, wallet and jacket before he left his room. Maybe he should move on before he hurt Ken more? Maybe Aya would be a better boyfriend than he had been? Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe… How he hated that word along with 'what if'. 

He almost ran downstairs and out the door. To hell with it all! If Ken wanted Aya then fine! Yoji got into his car and drove off to do the only thing that had helped him so far. Getting drunk didn't solve his problems but at least it allowed him a brief pause from them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

His head seemed to be too small to fit his brain and his tongue too big and way too raspy. Yoji raised his weary head and fought against the urge to throw up. Where the hell was he? A noise that sounded a lot like a snore made him turn his head to the left. His green eyes widened and then closed. _No, please no._

Shaking the blonde rose to his feet and winced in pain. What a bastard he was. Not only had he once again got himself shit faced but he had obviously let some random guy fuck him, not that he remembered that part though. The only proof he had was the way a certain part of his body hurt and that was enough for him. 

He stumbled towards his clothes and pulled them on. Moments later he was out the door, fighting to keep himself upright. He had barely made it around the corner of the house before he threw up. How could he do that to Ken? Guilt filled up his entire body and made him whimper in agony. 

"I'm sorry Ken," he panted as he wiped his mouth. "I'm so sorry."

~TBC~

Whoa what's going on between Ken and Aya hm?? Am I going to be able to keep to the Yoji/Ken pairing? *chuckles* Guess you all have to wait and see ne? I know the answer *bounces* and I ain't telling!!!

I really feel sorry for Yoji here. He's suffering so much because he feels guilty and that damn voice isn't helping him either!! And he had a little um accident when he was drunk huh? And about that… To me Yoji is as Seme as they come but well he was drunk and he can't even remember it so well there you go… 

What's he going to do now though? Is he just gonna give up on Ken? And Aya still hasn't had the chance to talk to him… Argh! This is driving me nuts!! Don't like waiting? Well you know what might help ne? 

Due to a tragic event in my life this week I won't be answering mails or stuff like that for a while. So please keep mailing me but be patient I don't know when I'll feel up to answering again and the updates may take a while. I hope you understand and wait for me. Thanks/Atsureki


	6. Chapter 5 Lost

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts, "_Italic_" things that have been said before and are now remembered. (Although I pretty sure you understood that anyways *L*)

Chapter 5. Lost

He knew that he had taken his car but had no idea where it was now and it didn't really matter since he was in no shape to drive anyway. Yoji stumbled towards the Koneko fighting against the pains and the urge to throw up again. God how his body hurt. 

Whoever the man was that had taken him the previous night he had been rough. Every step was hell and if he hadn't still been slightly drunk he would never have made it. Exhausted and sick of himself the blonde fiddled with his keys to get inside the house. He prayed that the others were still asleep because he couldn't stand facing them. 

The smell that clung to him and the vomit on his clothes would give him away the second anyone laid their eyes, or nose, on him. Finally he managed to get the door unlocked and staggared inside. With a low moan he leaned against the wall to gather some strength before he took on the stairs. He closed his eyes and sighed. 

"Who's there?" Yoji swallowed and tried not to breathe. "Who's there?!" He didn't answer, didn't want to. _Just go away Ken,_ he begged inside but the brunette came into the hall anyway. "Yoji is that you?" 

"Ha… hai," the blonde croaked out and winced at how horrible his voice sounded, thin, raspy and lost. Ken walked up to him and reached out. Gentle fingers found his face and Yoji couldn't help but lean into the touch he had missed so much.

"Come on I'll help you get upstairs," the brunette said quietly. Ken might be blind but at the moment he was probably better at leading than the blonde. Yoji carefully pushed himself away from the wall and let out a low moan of pain. "You're hurt?" The blonde didn't answer but he accepted Ken's help. "Where have you been Yoji? When you didn't come home last night we were worried." Yoji stopped and stared at his former lover in confusion.

"What do you mean last night? I just went out yesterday afternoon," he mumbled. Ken shook his head and for a moment Yoji looked into his brown eyes. There was so much pain and sadness in them, placed there because of him no doubt. 

"No, you left the house the day before yesterday Yoji, don't you remember?"

"I… I don't know," the lanky blonde sighed and rubbed his aching head. Had he really been gone for more than 24 hours? Why the hell couldn't he remember? They took on the stairs and it amazed Yoji how well Ken could handle them.

"I've been practicing," the brunette said as if he could hear what the other man was thinking. "Aya helped me." At that Yoji stiffened. That damn redhead! He grunted something as they stopped infront of his room. 

Jealousy was burning in him and he had no right to feel that way! He had left Ken! He had abandoned his lover when he was needed the most. Aya simply picked up the pieces. But it still hurt, it hurt like hell. Yoji swallowed and closed his eyes. He needed Ken so much and he couldn't have him, especially not after what he had done now. His stomach heaved.

"I… I have to throw up," he choked out and rushed towards the bathroom. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken's blind eyes seemed to stare after the blonde and he sighed deeply. His nose had always been sharp and the scents it picked up from his former lover were alcohol and sex. So Yoji had moved on, or perhaps just gone back to the selfdestructing behaviour he had been addicted to before they got together? 

It didn't really matter, the fact was that he had lost the blonde. Ken lowered his head and willed the tears away. Right now Yoji needed him and he would always be there for his… friend because he wanted and needed to. Solemly he followed the lanky man towards the bathroom. He could hear him heaving away in there and entered carefully. 

The bathroom was tricky, the floor slightly slippry and there were so many things he could hurt himself badly on if he fell. Ken felt his way to Yoji and gently rubbed his back. That warm and safe body had once been his and the loss was like a knife in his heart but he couldn't do anything about it, could he? He would simply have to accept that the blonde didn't want him anymore. 

The brunette kneeled beside his former lover and gave all the comfort and strength he could. After a while his heaving stopped and Yoji sank back, resting in Ken's arms.

"You okay?" It was quiet for a while.

"No." The brunette frowned slightly. Had he heard that correct? "I'll be fine," the blonde sighed after a moment or two. Ken bit his lip. _You're lying to me Yoji and you promised me you'd never lie to me._

"Let's get you to bed," he mumbled and helped the older man up from the floor. Together they made it back to Yoji's bedroom. 

"Ken I… I…" The brunette froze. It sounded like, like the blonde was near tears. How he wished he could see his former lover's face and eyes again. He wanted to know what was going through that man's head so badly but since he couldn't see anymore it was impossible. How had it come to this? Ken sadly shook his head. Had he been so wrong about the situation? Was it possible that Yoji was just as lost and helpless as he was? 

"Um you… you better get to bed," brunette said with hesitation. "I'll leave you alone." No he hadn't been wrong. Yoji didn't want him around, didn't need or want him anymore. Ken steeled himself against the pain those thoughts brought to him.

"Ken…" Shocked the brunette blinked. What had Yoji said after his name? He didn't dare to believe he had heard what he thought he had. Carefully and utterly confused Ken reached out and found the blonde's face. Just like when he had 'seen' Aya two days ago he now 'saw' Yoji. 

He trailed his fingers over his former lover's eyes, nose, cheeks and lips. It felt differently from Aya. Although he wouldn't deny that some part of him had felt attracted to Aya at that moment it couldn't compare to what he was feeling now. His whole body was humming with joy. 

Before Ken really had a chance to stop himself he leaned forward and sought out Yoji's lips. The blonde's mouth tasted badly but the kiss was heaven anyway. The fact that he was unable to see anything heightened the feelings. Slowly he pulled back not sure if Yoji would accept his actions or not. The blonde said something, or rather whispered it but Ken couldn't make out what it was.

"Nani?"

"Go away." His body tensed up. "Ken just go away." The brunette was still completely stiff and unmoving. He didn't understand this. "For God's sake Ken get the hell out of here!" Yoji almost screamed. With a visible wince Ken snapped out of his numbness. His inside felt like ice as he rose to his feet and felt his way out of the room. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Green eyes watched the man who was leaving. What was he doing? He had just left a bed where he had cheated on Ken and now he wanted nothing more than to… to… claim that beautiful body as his again? Yoji shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. Ken wasn't his, would never be his again because he had fucked up, ruined everything. 

With a low whimper the blonde curled up on the bed and hugged himself. Before he and the brunette had become a couple he had been drinking and fucking his way through life. There had been women, and some men, whose names he didn't know nor cared to know but never once had he allowed himself to linger at the bodies that kept him warm. 

Sex was easy and it numbed the pain he carried inside a little but love… love was something else. Love was dangerous, complicated and it hurt. But he hadn't been able to stop himself from falling for the smiling soccer-loving brunette. He was so caring, so soft and warm and Yoji was so lonely, cold and lost. Ken had become his home, the rope that kept him firmly tied to the ground among the living. 

He had fought it though. For months he had suffered in silence and tried to push away the feelings that threatened to break one of his silent promises. The promise that he would never ever fall in love again. But it had been impossible to get Ken out of his head and it had been the brunette who finally came clean. Not entirely true, Yoji remembered with a small smile on his sad face. 

They had been arguing and Ken had been so angry. It hadn't been the first time that he had been forced to go down to one of the bars and bring Yoji home because he was too drunk to get there himself but that time the brunette hadn't kept quiet about it the morning after. A fight had issued where they both screamed and yelled like maniacs until… Yoji swallowed and remembered it like it had happened only yesterday.

"_Next time I'll leave you in the gutter! I'm fed up with having to carry your drunk ass up the stairs!_" Ken had screamed at him with his brown eyes blazing with anger.

"_I didn't ask you to do that now did I?_"

"_Well excuse me for giving a shit!_" Yoji had snickered at that.

"_I'm not a child Hidaka! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself you know! And besides… it's not like you fucking care anyway!_" His words had been filled with bitterness and they had made Ken so angry, although at that moment Yoji hadn't understood why.

"_You selfish little bastard! Do you think you're the only one who hurts? The only one who lost someone? Fuck you Yoji! Fuck you!_" Ken's words had frozen him in place. He was selfish, he knew that but hearing it from the brunette hurt so much. "_I've lost enough people so I'm not going to just sitting by and wait for you to kill yourself one way or another! I am not going to lose someone else that I love! So fuck you! Just because you can't care or love anyone it doesn't mean that I can't!_" It had become deadly quiet after that. They had both realized what Ken had said even if Yoji hadn't been sure exactly what it meant.

"_Ken I…_" The brunette had raised his hand then.

"_Don't. I've said enough already so just don't, okay?_" But the tears in those chocolate eyes had been too much for the blonde. He had allowed his emotions to take control and it had lead to the happiest time in his life. It had been filled with love, laughter, tenderness, warmth and now it was all gone because… because his love destroyed others. 

Yoji curled up tighter and all he wanted right then and there was to be in the brunette's arms. But he couldn't have that, wasn't even worthy of wanting it. So he did what he hadn't been able to do when Ken had been shot or during the time up until now… He cried. 

~TBC~

I feel so sorry for both Ken and Yoji here. They're both suffering needlessly damnit! They so need to smarten up ne? 

Oh I got a mail from a reader who begged me to show you Aya's POV. I'm sorry but I can't do that at least not right now. It would ruin the story if I allowed you to see what he thinks about all of this. 

But we did find out that Ken was a little attracted to Aya ne? Is he gonna act on it or is he gonna keep trying to get Yoji back? Ah the joy of questions… 

Oh and I know Yoji is acting way OOC here but um well it sorta makes sense to me in some strange way. I mean plenty of ppl that act the way Yoji did before he got together with Ken are simply afraid of love. And besides, I can't forget some of the pictures I've seen of Yoji. In them he looks so sad and so lost in his eyes. 

I have a postcard at home of a little puppy that's tied to lamppost in the pouring rain and underneath it it says 'Nobody loves me'. Now that puppy looks exactly like Yoji does in those pictures so um eh *looks embarrassed* I get this feeling that he is rather lost and that he think that nobody loves him. Oh dear I'm making an ass out of myself here *silly grin* Sorry sorry just ignore me ne? Ja/Atsureki


	7. Chapter 6 Feelings

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : This fic wouldn't be here if I owned them! 

Warnings : OCC, shounen-ai, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 6. Feelings

__

'Ken… please don't leave me.'

The brunette frowned. Was that really what Yoji had said to him earlier? No he had to have heard it wrong. There was no way in hell that those were the words his former lover had said, not when he had almost pushed him out of the room only moments later. He shook his head to push it away and carefully made his way to the bed. 

Kissing the blonde had been way out of line but damnit he loved Yoji! A soft sad sigh left his lips as he sank down on his bed. He had been so worried when his former lover hadn't showed up the previous night and that had made him realize something. Even if he managed to move on he would always love Yoji. 

Wasn't that what they said though? That no one forgets his or her first love. Ken shook his head and pulled the covers over him. He hadn't even noticed when he started falling for his team-mate and for a long time he hadn't understood why he had fallen at all. What he had fallen in love with wasn't the Yoji most other people saw but rather the Yoji behind the playboy. 

The man with the sad, lost eyes, the man who pretended to grin and joked when what he really was doing was hiding behind the pain in his heart. Ken buried his face in the pillow and sighed again. He had fallen in love with the Yoji he couldn't see anymore, the Yoji who was only visable if you really looked into his eyes, which you only could do if you got him to take off his shades. 

It had hurt to see the blonde destroy himself slowly by not caring so he had made it his personal mission to stop him. Before his screw up in that warehouse it had seemed as if he had succeeded, but that was then. Ken flipped over to his back and his blind eyes stared at the ceiling. 

He leaned over and fumbled for a while before his fingers found the radio. Quiet music broke the heavy silence in the room. Since Ken became blind he had hated noises like music or the TV because they took away the only sense he had left that could inform him about the world he no longer could see. 

Of course he could still feel things with his hands but that meant he had to get too close and if whatever it was that was there was dangerous it would be too late. In an atempt to push away his troubled thoughts he clung to the song that was playing. He didn't recognize it, didn't even really like it but he listened to it anyway.

"_Don't wanna love you if you don't love me. Don't wanna need you when you won't need me too…_" the woman sang. The two sentences kept on echoing inside Ken's head. 

__

Don't wanna love you if you don't love me, he mumbled in his thoughts. That was exactly how he felt. The brunette swallowed and turned onto his side. He didn't want to love Yoji if Yoji didn't love him. As for the need-me-part that was pretty much obvious. Why would Yoji need him when Ken was helpless. Okay so maybe he wasn't completely helpless but still… 

He had used to be able to read the lanky blonde like an open book, just one look into those jade eyes had told him everything he wanted to know but now… now he couldn't fucking see anymore. Tears of anger and frustration dampened his pillow but he ignored them. Then suddenly a flicker of pain caused the brunette to stiffen. 

"No," he whimpered and desperately tried to push away all thoughts in his head as well as the tears. Another flicker, more intense, told him that it was too late. He needed his damn pills but he didn't know where they were. 

For a moment he wanted to yell for help but he was too tired to bother. Maybe this time the headache would kill him? _Yeah right, keep dreaming Hidaka,_ he snorted to himself and winced when the flickers of pain turned into stabs. Groaning he held his head and prayed that it wouldn't be so bad this time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Omi sadly watched his oldest friend. Yoji was curled up on his bed with his back facing the door and his entire body shock with sobs. The little blonde sighed. He had never seen Yoji cry before and he had never thought he would see his friend cry like that. It was heartbreaking to watch but Omi didn't know what to do about it. This was so out of character for Yoji. 

The lanky blonde was always all smiles and grins, never took anything serious, never let anything get him down and now there he was completely different. He looked broken, lonely and utterly lost. Omi just wished he could understand what Yoji was thinking, what made him tick at the moment. 

Why couldn't he forgive Ken? Why did he insist on punishing the brunette? Why did he seem to hate his former lover? And why did he refuse to talk about it? The small blonde left the doorway and headed back to his own room. Aya was already pissed off at Yoji so the short blonde couldn't talk to him and going to Ken was out of the question. 

Omi scowled slightly and plopped down on his bed. He just didn't know what to do and it was annoying him. They lanky blonde had pulled away from them all and only showed up for missions and to make an ass out of himself in the shop. Aya spent most of his time working and the last two days he had been trying to help the brunette. 

And then there was Ken. Omi sighed deeply and hugged his pillow. Ken had been falling apart, so lost and scared of not being able to see anymore. There were times when Omi couldn't even stand to look into those blind brown eyes. Even if they couldn't see they still showed emotions, more emotions probably since the brunette no longer made any attempt to hide them. The fear was deep and so was the hopelessness. 

He sighed again. How would he react if his sight was stolen from him? A shudder ran through him. How frightened would he be if the world suddenly turned black on him? How guilty would he feel if a mistake from his side almost had gotten someone he loved killed? Omi bit his lip. 

Was that really why Yoji was so angry with Ken? He didn't think so, there had to be something else, something more. It was no going around it, Ken's lack of attention had allowed that guard to get too close but if Omi had done his job correctly there wouldn't even have been a guard. That had been eating away inside of him ever since the accident. 

He had been in a rush and had failed to check if all the guards were dead. Somehow he must have messed up with that arrow because it should have been deadly. A sudden scream sent him to his feet and out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The first scream cut through the house and Yoji was up and heading towards Ken's room before his brain could catch up. The second one sent the fear running through him like wildfire. He couldn't stand hearing his former lover in such pain. With shaky hands he slung the door to Ken's room open and stumbled inside. 

It was dark there but the brunette's screams and laboured breathing guided him right. Fumbling he turned on the light and blinked a few time before his eyes adjusted. Ken was curled up into a ball on the bed, his hands clutching his head and sweat pearled on his skin. 

It didn't matter what he thought about the brunette anymore, what anger he might feel towards him. He still loved that man and that was the only feeling along with fear that he had at that moment. Carefully Yoji reached out and touched Ken's hands.

"Easy baby," he murmured shakingly and try to pry those hands away from the brunette's head. "You have to calm down Ken." He got no response that even suggested that he had been heard. "AYA!"

"I'm already here," the redhead said flatly and shoved the bottle of pills in Yoji's hand. "I'll get you some water." The blonde nodded absently and started rubbing the soft skin on Ken's neck. That had helped the last time so it would damn well help now too. The screams didn't stop though and the brunette was still gasping for air.

"Please Ken," Yoji begged and rubbed harder. "You have to…" Almost panicking he again tried to pry Ken's hands away.

"It hurts!" his former lover suddenly wailed and his hand shot away from his head, striking Yoji in the face. "You're hurting me!" The blonde froze.

"Don't listen to him, he's in pain and doesn't know what he's saying," a soft voice said behind him. The tall blonde wasn't so sure about that though.

"Okay that's enough Ken," Aya said sternly and with one swift motion he pulled down the brunette's hands, nailing them to the bed. "Give him the pill." Yoji blinked and snapped out of his numbness. He forced the pill into Ken's mouth and carefully gave him some water. 

"Aya he's hurting me," Ken sobbed. "Make him leave!" Another scream of pain echoed through the room. The blonde stumbled to his feet and backed away.

"Ken stop that. It's not Yoji's fault that you're in pain," Aya mumbled softly and caressed Ken's hair. 

"It is his fault!" The redhead sighed deeply and shook his head.

"Now you're being silly. You know why you get these headaches Ken." Unseeing brown eyes opened slightly and seemed to stare at them. They were shadowed and Yoji could tell that Ken was about to pass out.

"He's always hurting me now," the brunette whispered just before his body went lax.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"We need to talk!" Yoji sighed and turned around to face the redhead. Aya's eyes were hard and his lips pressed into a thin line.

"What is it now?" the blonde muttered and sat down on his bed.

"You seriously need to get your shit together Kudou! What you're doing to Ken isn't fair and you know it." Yoji let out a hard laugh at that and shook his head. "He needs you so much and even if you blame him for what happened I would like to think that you're enough of a man to put it aside until he feels better," Aya said firmly and glared at him.

"Can't you just leave me the fuck alone?! I don't need to hear this right now! You've done such a great job of taking care of him so why don't you just keep doing that huh? I can see that you just love…" A hard squeeze of his arm stopped Yoji.

"You listen to me! I have no problem with taking care of Ken but that has nothing to do with this at all. You're the one he knows the best, the one he's most familier with and that's what he needs right now. If you don't love him anymore then fine, don't love him anymore but at least be his friend! I don't give a shit about your reasons at this point just fucking fix this!"

"Go to hell Fujimiya!" Yoji barked and shot up from the bed. "You don't know anything about how I feel and you have no right to ask that of me! Do you think this is easy for me? Huh? Do you think that this didn't affect me at all?" Aya raised an eyebrow and gave the angry blonde a leveled look.

"Yes I'm sure this is much more difficult for you and that it has affected you so much more than it has Ken. I mean he's just blind and has to deal with never being able to see again so of course I can see how this is so much worse for you than it is for him," the redhead snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. "You hate him because he almost got you killed, don't you?" That question caused Yoji to wince and his anger flamed.

"Shut up! I don't hate him for that! I hate him because he should have let that guard kill me instead!" the blonde roared and shoved Aya backwards. "I hate that he didn't even think about what it could do to him! I hate that he's so fucking selfless that he'd do anything so save us! I hate that he loves me!" 

"That is the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life," Aya said softly and took a hold of the blonde's hands. "Are you telling me that if you had been in Ken's place you'd have let that guard kill him? Hell you wouldn't even have let that happen if that guard had been aiming his gun at me. You have got to get over this Yoji and you certainly have got to stop trying to drink your problems away because we both know that that isn't going work. Get your act together before you lose Ken… And Yoji trust me when I'm saying that you are going to lose him. He's going to have to let go of his love for you and move on. Ken's not going to wait around for you forever, he can't do that, it'll destroy him. Loving you this much is going to kill him inside." With those words the redhead brushed past Yoji and left him alone. The blonde went back to his bed and almost fell down on it. Aya was right but it wasn't that easy. 

"I don't want to lose him," Yoji mumbled and swallowed. He would just have to find a way to sort this out before it was too late… if it wasn't too late already.

~TBC~

Wow that chapter took a loooooooong time to get out. *huffs* Oh well there it is. Thank God for Aya who finally managed to smack some sense into Yoji. The question is, is it too late? Ja/Atsureki


	8. Chapter 7 Blur

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They ain't mine! And that is just so not fair! *pouts*

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing : Yoji/Ken

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Chapter 7. Blur

The pain was tearing his head apart, stabbing his eyes like knives. Ken let out a scream and felt how the muscles in his neck pulled his head backwards. His eyes were wide open and the blurry light from the hall way was just too painful for him to stand. He squeezed them shut to block it out while his head tried to yell something to him, but it was drowned out by the agony. 

Another scream passed his lips and his back arched from the seizure he was having. Ken grabbed his head and managed to curl into himself. Then something, or someone, touched his hands and a voice murmured things he couldn't make out over the roar of pain in his head. More voices and the hands on him started to massage his neck.

Ken screamed again and again as he fought to pull in enough air to satisfy his cramping lungs. Panic licked his limbs like flames and the hands were pulling at his.

"It hurts!" the brunette managed to get out and his left hand shot out, hitting something. He had to get whoever it was away from him! "You're hurting me!" Another voice said something or other but Ken was too busy with breathing and screaming to make it out.

"Okay that's enough Ken." _Aya,_ Ken's messy mind decided. The redhead quickly yanked his hands away from his head and nailed them to the bed. "Give him the pill." The pill was shoved into his mouth along with some water and Ken just barely forced it down. Pain. Suffering. Yoji. Yoji was the one causing him pain! The brunette's head draw the conclusions and Ken acted on them.

"Aya he's hurting me. Make him leave!" Ken begged and again screamed in pain. Aya had to get Yoji away from him, he was the source of the pain!

"Ken stop that. It's not Yoji's fault that you're in pain," Aya mumbled softly and caressed Ken's hair. 

"It is his fault!" the brunette persisted, sounding more and more panicked.

"Now you're being silly. You know why you get these headaches Ken." Aya was full of shit and Ken was too tired. Slowly he opened his eyes, staring at the lights and shadows that caused them more pain.

"He's always hurting me now," he whispered and then the darkness surrounded him again and his mind was enveloped by it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken groaned when he woke up. His entire body ached and his head was not happy with him at all. But he had no idea why, he couldn't quite seem to remember. Disoriented he stumbled out off bed and yelped when he slipped on something and hit the floor, hard.

"Damn!" he muttered sourly and felt like someone had just run over his head with a truck. Something was really fucked up with his eye sight. Everything was blurry, like he had goo in his eyes but no matter how much he wiped at them it refused to go away. As it was he could barely see the other side of the room. He cursed quietly and heading for the bathroom. 

After having taken a shower he felt a little better and went downstairs. It was still too early for anyone else so he could drink his coffee in peace and quiet. His head was still grumbling at him and every now and then it lashed out with a painful thumping just behind his left eye. Ken rinsed his cup and yawned. He was tired and groggy but not enough to go back to bed. 

Huffing in annoyance he slipped into his shoes, shrugged on a jacket and left the quiet house. The sun had just greeted the morning, stinging his unco-operative eyes, and the birds were warming up. Another yawn escaped him as he strolled down the empty sidewalk. 

Soon people would start going to work and he wanted to be somewhere else when they did. He headed towards the nearest park and carefully kept his poor head free from any thoughts at all. Something was trying to get through to him but he fought with all he had to keep it at bay, thinking was the last thing he wanted to do. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Yoji!" The blonde grunted and buried his face in the pillow. "YOJI!" He waved his hand as if to shoo away the annoying call of his name. "KUDOU!" Something smacked him over the head and forced him to wake up completely. Hazy green eyes opened and met amethyst.

"What the fuck is it Aya?" Yoji grumbled and glared at his team-mate.

"You better get out of bed, right now!" the redhead barked and pulled away his covers.

"What the hell for?" Aya pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Because Ken is gone." That got his attention and the blonde bolted from his bed, swirled out of the room and into his former lover's.

"Ken!" Yoji grabbed the covers and dragged them off of the bed, lifted the pillow, he even went as far as to check under the mattres. No sign of the brunette anywhere. "He's not here!" He turned around and ran straight into Aya. The redhead gave him a withering look and shook his head.

"No shit Sherlock. Go get dressed, we have to find him." Yoji got moving and skidded to a stop when he was in his own room again, pulling on clothes almost before he even had stopped. After having fallen flat on his ass while trying to put on a sock at the same time as he worked on a shirt he slowed down. A shaky hand ran through messy blonde hair and he was done.

"I'm done! Let's go!" he yelled as he grabbed his car keys and ran downstairs.

"We're ready Yotan," Omi mumbled and handed him his coat.

"How long?" the tall blonde asked as he slammed the door open and hurried outside.

"How should we know?" Aya grumbled and buttoned up his coat. "It's only 7 am." Yoji glared at him and stopped beside his car.

"Where could he have gone?"

"Yoji! You know him better than we do!" the redhead snapped. "He's blind, he couldn't have gotten very far." Yoji swallowed down the fear and tried to think straight. 

"The soccer field," he suggested. "His favourite coffee shop?" He didn't know, didn't have a clue. If he was a blind former goalie turned assassin where would he go? "Hawaii? The moon? FUCK! He could be anywhere."

"Okay calm down. We'll find him," Aya sighed and headed towards his car. "We each head in different directions and look around."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ken squinted to make out a young woman walking her dog. His eyes were sore and his mind was desperately trying to tell him something. Tired and grumpy he rubbed his head and froze when his fingers felt stubble and a scare. In an instant everything came back to him, washed over him like a tidal wave. The lights and shadows the previous night, the blurry world around him. He could see again! Well kind of anyway.

With a loud whoop he turned around and ran back the way he had come. He had to get back to the house, he had to wake everyone up and tell them. When he reached home he bursted through the door and almost fell up the stairs. Exited and with tears of joy in his eyes Ken ran into Yoji's bedroom.

"YOTAN! I can see! I can…" The room was empty. He squinted hard at the time and frowned. It was only 7:30 am, where the hell was everyone? Confused he checked the other bedrooms only to find them empty too.

"Omi? Aya?" he called out and got silence as an answer. Ken went back downstairs and sank down on the couch in the living room. 

"Well fuck," he grumbled with disappointment. There he was with the biggest news ever and no one was around to hear it? He pouted. Wasn't that just great? With a sigh he slumped down to rest his exhausted body and aching eyes. Moments later he was fast asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Four hours and nothing," Yoji sighed deeply and slammed the car door. "You?" Aya shook his head.

"Nothing," Omi confirmed sadly and fiddled with his helmet. "Maybe he came back while we were gone?" They headed inside.

"I'll check upstairs."

"Aya-kun and I'll check down here and in the shop." Yoji nodded and left. Omi sighed quietly as he watched the tall blonde's slumped form walking up the stairs.

"I think we can call off the search," Aya said slowly.

"Nani?" The redhead didn't answer, he just nodded towards the living room. Omi was just about to ask what he meant when the blonde came back.

"Okay he's not up there," Yoji grumbled and rubbed his worried face. "What if something happened to him?"

"Ken's fine," the redhead answered and almost smiled.

"How the hell do you know that Aya? He's blind, helpless and stupid enough to leave the house all by himself!" Yoji spat out, worry clouding his green eyes. "You'd think that going blind would teach him but oh no. We always have to look after him, he's like a fucking kid!"

"I'm sorry," a very soft voice suddenly said and they all turned around. Ken was standing in the door way, his head lowered.

"You okay Ken-kun? Where did you go, we were so worried," Omi babbled and approached his friend.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to take a walk and I didn't think…"

"You never think before you act, that's the problem!" Yoji interrupted, angry now that it was clear that his former lover was indeed safe and sound. "If you did you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place!"

"Yoji!"

"Kudou that's enough!" Ken raised his head and seemed to be looking straight at the tall blonde.

"Even if I had had time to think it wouldn't have made any difference Yoji," he said softly. "I'm sorry that you still blame me for not paying attention but I got between you and that bullet because I love you. You can hate me for not checking if all the guards really were down but please don't hate me for saving you. I paid for my mistake, why isn't that enough for you?" Tears were slowly making their way down Ken's cheeks and Omi gently held his friend's hand in his. 

"Ken-kun you…"

"It's okay Omi, really," Ken objected weakly and ran a head through his messy hair. "I know I failed him and that he can't forgive me. I'll be in my room." The brunette carefully walked around his team-mates and disappeared up the stairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He had wanted to tell Yoji that he was alright, that he could see again but… But standing there after hearing those angry words he just couldn't get them out. It wouldn't matter anyway, Yoji had made it perfectly clear that this wasn't just about Ken being blind. It was over whether or not he could see.

Besides, now that he had calmed down a little he started wondering if he really had his sight back. What if it was only temporary? Scared he sank down on his bed. It wouldn't do anyone any good if they all got their hopes up only to realize that it wasn't for real. No, it was better that he kept it a secret until the doctors could check him out. Aya would be taking him to the hospital later that week, he would wait until then. 

Maybe it would only serve him right if he went back to being blind, maybe he deserved that punishment for… for… For what? For loving Yoji? For killing bad people? He didn't know, couldn't think straight. His head was killing him and his eyes ached like rottening teeth. Afraid it would get out of hand like it had before Ken laid down and tried to clear his mind from all thoughts.

~TBC~

I hate this fic. *pouts like a child* It sounded so good in my head but now that I've typed it out it seems stupid. So yeah Ken can see again, sort of, and Yoji shoved his foot down his throat… again. My muse better know where this is headed *glares at her* Ja/Atsureki


	9. Chapter 8 Falter And Reach

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers: They ain't mine! And that is just so not fair! /pouts/

Warnings: OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing: Yoji/Ken, um well 'hints' of Aya/Ken or something like that…

Notes: Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.

Chapter 8. Falter And Reach

Ken lay awake with his eyes tightly shut for a long time the next morning. He was afraid of opening his eyes, afraid that his sight would be gone again. In a stubborn pretence of resting he listened intently to the sounds around him. From Omi's room he could hear the distant clatter of keys being hammered on as the small blonde worked on his computer. Ken shifted his head slightly and heard noises coming from the room next to his. Aya was sharpening and/or polishing his katana.

But loudest was the silence from Yoji. He wasn't even sure the flirty blonde was in the house. The brunette sighed deeply and very carefully opened his left eyes every so slightly. Another sigh left him, but now from relief. The darkness wasn't there. He still couldn't see all that well but at least he saw something, which for Ken was good enough. But his sight was only one of his problems and he wasn't even sure how long he'd be able to see. Aya would take him to his doctor the day after tomorrow for a regular check-up and then he could ask, but until then he was determined to remain blind to his friends. A knock on the door startled him.

"Hai?" He forced his eyes to stare into the air when the door opened.

"So you are awake," Aya's deep voice murmured and the redhead came up to him. "Do you feel up to joining me in the store for a while?"

"Sure. Um Aya?"

"Aa?"

"Could you pick out some clothes for me? I don't want to look like a retard down there." A very soft laughter came from Aya and Ken could hardly believe what he was seeing. The redhead's amethyst eyes sparkling with… something, his thin lips quirked into a small smile.

"You go take a shower and I'll get the clothes."

"Thank you Aya." Ken made a number of feeling his way out from his room and down the corridor to the bathroom.

/&/

Yoji silently watched his former lover smile at some girls while his unseeing eyes stared off into nothing. The girls gushed over him and helped him wrap a bouquet of roses. Ken thanked them for their help and kept smiling warmly, like he always did.

"Yoji-kun?" The tall blonde glanced over his shoulder and managed a half smile.

"Good morning Omi." Omi raised an eyebrow and his blue gaze was frank and a little sharp when it met Yoji's eyes.

"So… Are you hung over this morning or are you still drunk?" the petit blonde asked with a disappointed edge in his voice.

"Omi?" Shocked Yoji stared at the younger boy. He had never heard that tone from Omi before.

"Does going out and getting drunk make you feel better Yotan? Does take away the regret for what you did to Ken-kun? Does it make you love him any less? Or does it perhaps make you smarter?" Green eyes hardened and a small trickle of anger oozed to the surface.

"Watch it Omi, you're treading on thin ice here," Yoji growled quietly. He got his second shock when the little blonde refused to back down and instead matched his anger.

"No, you better watch it Yoji, before you really do lose him!" Omi spat out, just loud enough for Yoji to hear him. "You're so stupid! Can't you see what's happening? Can't you see the change?" Yoji gave him a confused look and turned his head towards his former lover again.

Ken was standing beside Aya, one hand placed gently on the redhead's arm, tanned face smiling adoringly as he listened to the older man. With a bad feeling in his gut the tall blonde shifted to Aya instead and blinked in surprise. The icy assassin was speaking quietly, his normally so bland face softened with a barely there smile and his cold amethyst gaze had warmed considerably. As Aya continued talking his left hand rose and with familiarity he brushed away a brown lock of hair that stubbornly kept falling into Ken's eyes.

"I…" Yoji started, not quite sure what to say.

"Aya-kun would never take advantage of Ken-kun, but if you don't smarten up… he won't have to because Ken-kun will go to him willingly. He loves you Yotan, but he's not going to wait forever." Omi gave him a long look when he was done and walked away. He was right, Yoji knew that, but what could he do? Beg for forgiveness for being a fucking idiot and cruel asshole? Or how about for cheating on Ken?

Hurt stabbed the blonde and he hung his head in shame. He did need to apologize but he wasn't sure how to express himself. How on earth was he supposed to ask to be forgiven for hating the brunette for saving his life? It barely made any sense to Yoji himself so explaining it so someone else was virtually impossible. With a shudder he remembered the feelings that had run through him when he saw Ken fall to the floor, saw the puddle of blood forming around his lover's head.

His life had faltered then, not sure what was up or down anymore, not sure it was even worth the effort to try to get back on track if Ken wasn't there. The anger and hate had started blossoming in the hospital when he found out that the brunette wasn't going to die, but that he was most likely permanently blind. Inside he had roared at Ken as he waited by his bed. Sharp thoughts had whirled in his head, demanding to be let out. They wanted to him to scream at his lover that he was an idiot for putting himself in danger, that he should be punished for being so selfless when it would only end up hurting Yoji.

"How dared he…" the blonde muttered out beneath his breath. "How dared he almost kill someone I care about?" The empty store paid him no mind and the only one listening to his low voice was Aya. "Goddamn you Ken!" Yoji suddenly bellowed; eyes filled with tears he had no intention of allowing to fall. "Goddamn you for hurting what belongs to me! The one person I love! Goddamn you!" Amethyst eyes observed the tirade calmly and when the blonde slumped down against the wall their owner left quietly.

"You selfish, obsessive, bastard," Aya groused tiredly. "All this time you've hated Ken because you love him and he unknowingly almost took that away from you. Kudou no baka!"

/&/

"Um Aya?" Ken carefully felt his way out from his room and towards the redhead's door. It was a lot harder to fake blindness than he had thought. Luckily enough Aya had told him about how his eyes strayed aimlessly now and how they never settled ON something but rather focused on nothing at all, always slightly off centre. His hand made contact with the redhead's door and he carefully schooled his eyes. Hesitantly he entered the dimly lit room and forced himself to not look around.

"Ken?" Aya was standing by the window clad in nothing but a pair of black silk pants, his fair skin almost glowing in the pale moonlight; his face was left in darkness though, making it impossible for Ken to read his expression. The redhead was absolutely beautiful, but there was an aura of sorrow and loneliness surrounding him.

"Aya, I…" His words faltered when his friend turned around and revealed his face. Weariness, sadness and longing were etched in his eyes and his whole body had the defeated stance of someone who had fought alone for much too long.

"Yes Ken?" Aya's voice sounded as bland as usual, but his mask had slipped. Ken blinked and made himself not to look straight at the redhead. He knew why Aya partially had dropped the façade, there was no longer any need for it around Ken. The brunette wanted to search his friend's face and as he pondered just why he had gone to Aya's room in the first place, his eyes wandered on their own. His focus was still way off but the unhappiness in the silent man's features were crystal-clear. Ken blinked, still staring into Aya's eyes. They widened in surprise and Aya let out a gasp when he obviously realized that the brunette was looking AT him.

"Aya, I…" he tried. The redhead seemed to be in shock and he failed to correct the vulnerable state he was in, standing there with his pain on display for anyone to see. Ken would never be able to explain, in words, why he did what he did next. It was just something he needed to do; something Aya needed him to do.

Without hesitation the brunette walked over to the slightly taller man, only stopping when they were chest to chest, and gently cupped his pale face in his hands. A few heartbeats went by before Ken covered Aya's mouth with his own. At first the older man didn't respond but as his friend's lips softly moved against his he gave in. They kissed slowly, chastely, hands covering the other's cheeks almost as in a strange embrace. Time ticked by but neither man withdrew, paused or wavered, nothing was noticed at all. Eventually the need to breathe and mentally deal with what they had done forced them apart.

"Ken?" Aya whispered, voice thick and slow, deeper than normally.

"Can… can I sleep here tonight?" It became quiet for a while as Aya searched Ken's eyes, looking for something, and then he nodded. They got on the bed without a word, positioning themselves forehead to forehead, nose to nose, sharing breaths, eyes locked and hands joined.

/&/

Yoji snuck out of his room late in the evening. He had been sitting in the darkness and contemplated just what the hell he was doing to his life… and Ken's. After his little episode in the shop he had really started to think about his reasoning, about his unwanted hate for his former lover. Maybe his change of view had happened because he had finally spoken the words out loud? Didn't really matter. What mattered was that he needed to sit down with Ken and talk, explain, apologize and start the process of rebuilding their friendship.

Yoji sighed quietly to himself. He wanted more than friendship but he seriously doubted he would get it now. There was so much for Ken to forgive him for, probably too much. Not only had he treated the sweet brunette despicably, but he had also cheated on him, albeit that had been an accident he didn't remember. Same difference really, cheating was cheating and Yoji wasn't about to blame it on being drunk. He crossed the hall and paused in front of his former lover's room.

Ken never closed his door anymore. Omi had asked him why and the brunette had answered that since he couldn't see he needed to hear instead, and closed doors 'blinded' him even further. With uncertainty the blonde drew a deep breath and walked inside. The air whooshed out of him when he found the room empty. Ken couldn't have gone far though because his bed had been readied for the night and the clothes he had worn earlier were thrown over the back of a chair.

As Yoji looked around he realized that Ken's room had changed a lot since the brunette had started to accept his blindness. There were no shoes, balls, clothes, CD's and whatnots scattered across the floor, no empty plates left under the bed along with empty cups or mugs. It wasn't really Ken's room in his eyes. Ken WAS messy, had always been messy and by all that was sappy and corny Yoji loved him that way.

When he started pondering just where his former lover had gone his head immediately suggested Aya's room and he gritted his teeth in annoyance. Ken had never shown any interest in the stoic redhead as anything more than a friend! Huffing Yoji stomped towards the icy assassin's half opened door and popped his head in.

It was rather dark and very quiet, but not empty. Near the window on the other side of the room stood the missing Ken, lip locked with Aya. Yoji wanted to run away from the scene but his feet were rooted to the ground by some masochistic need to know what was going to happen next. He didn't have to wait long for the answer.

"Ken?" The redhead's voice was husky; almost purring and Yoji swallowed thickly, feeling hurt and jealousy burn in his chest.

"Can… can I sleep here tonight?" That sentence released the blonde from his invisible ties and he slowly straightened his back, brushed a few stands of hair from his face and left. Omi had been right. He had waited too long and Ken had gone to Aya, willingly.

TBC

YAY! Can you believe it I actually managed to squeeze out another chapter? Go me! /waves ugly pom-poms and cheers/ Well hope you enjoyed and let's see what happens? Ja/Atsureki


	10. Chapter 9 Getting It

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers: Yeah so still not mine and all that crap/pouts/

Warnings: OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing: Yoji/Ken, or something like that…

Notes: Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.

Chapter 9. Getting It

Yoji leaned back against the coolness of the window and stared into the darkness. He was actually a little shocked that he hadn't gone out to get rip-roaring drunk and fucked the first living thing that crossed his path. Deep down inside he knew why though. The scene he had witnessed earlier had left him feeling numb and now he was alone with the blame hanging around his neck like a stone.

Although he had worked so hard to push Ken away he had, for some reason, never thought the brunet would actually leave him behind. But Ken had, and he had gone straight to Aya. And the hardest part was that Yoji couldn't blame his former lover for it. Ken deserved someone like Aya; someone who'd do anything for him and never let his fucked up head inflict hurt like Yoji had.

He knew Aya dragged around even more emotional baggage than he did and even though the redhead was cold, aloof and had a ten-foot pole shoved up his ass; he'd never hurt anyone he cared about intentionally. The blonde sighed deeply, slowly thumping his head against the glass.

"What the hell do I do now?" he asked the empty room. It was a really good question, one he had no answer for. He wanted Ken to be happy, but it was one thing to wish for his former lover to find happiness with someone else and actually watch it happen. Not for the first time Yoji desperately wished that he had never fallen for the brunet, that he hadn't felt so peaceful whenever Ken was around and most of all… he wished he hadn't fucked it up.

/&/

It surprised Ken that even though his head was foggy from sleep he still knew exactly where he was and whom he was with. Aya's face was so close he could almost see it clearly, fine red eyelashes sweeping over pale skin. In his sleep the redhead looked peaceful, almost juvenile, the sharp edges smoothened temporarily. Ken sighed softly and squinted in an effort to see the large green digits on the clock radio.

His uncooperative eyes blurred and a sharp stab of pain warned him to keep trying. A shudder ran through him caused by the fear of having yet another episode when his entire body would be pulled taunt from pain. So not what he needed at the moment. Slowly he backed away from his friend and tested his balance with utmost care, not willing to put too much confidence in his yet not completely awake legs.

Aya's features distorted with the increased distance and Ken could only hope something could be done about it. Mulling over his eyes and his situation the brunet shuffled towards the door. One more day before he could ask a doctor about his sight, now if only a physician could tell him how to sort out things with Yoji. Ken smacked himself over the head and let out a low groan.

"Ow," he hissed as his thoughtless action inflicted another stab into his brain. He would have to take a pill to take the edge off. Suddenly the blurring worsened and the familiar surroundings became unrecognizable. "Fuck!" Ken squinted his eyes but only managed to make the pain turn into agony. Fumbling blindly towards his room, where his pills were, the brunet pressed the heels of his hands against his temples, desperately trying to alleviate the pressure. He could practically here his skull start to crack as his brain pounded against it relentlessly.

"Ken?" Ken's only answer was a moan; all his energy now focused on keeping his head in one piece. "Come on baby," the soft voice encouraged, gentle hands holding him up and leading him forward. "Lie down, I'll get your pills." For a heartbeat the pain ceased, like it was gathering power, and then it hit with full force.

/&/

The wail of pain made his skin prickle as his hands fumbled with the childproof lid, his mouth muttering curses. He wasn't a child for crying out loud so why the hell didn't the stupid lid open?

"Push and twist," he grumbled and closed his eyes as a second wail boomed through the otherwise quiet house. With difficulty he forced his stressed body to relax and finally managed to get the bottle opened. A mug with water was already waiting for him and he swiftly shook out a pill and headed for the bed.

"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop," Ken chanted, tears leaking from his closed eyes.

"I'll try baby. Can you swallow this?" The brunet cried out again and his left arm shot out. "Easy there Ken, try to relax."

"Yoji?" The lanky blonde smiled sadly and caressed Ken's face.

"Yeah it's me."

"Help me," his former lover pleaded and let out a hoarse moan. Yoji nodded and carefully made sure the pill was swallowed. He put away the mug and started rubbing his fingers against the base of Ken's skull, trying to ease the pain a little. Slowly the tense body beside him started relaxing a little.

"That's right baby, settle down, you'll feel better soon," Yoji promised and helped Ken get into a more comfortable position, straightening out his limbs. He thought the brunet had fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke again.

"I won't say I'm sorry, I won't. No matter how much you hate me I will never regret what I did… and you can't hold that against me forever." Yoji swallowed thickly.

"Ken, I… I don't hate you." The brunet stiffened and his face twisted into a sneer.

"I might be blind, but I can still tell when you're lying to me. You do hate me and I don't know exactly why, or if you'll ever stop but… I get it now."

"Ken? Get it, get what?" Yoji wondered quietly, a bad feeling churning in his gut.

"The way I feel about you won't change, ever, but I get that I have to let go. You have to let go too." The tall blonde just stared, his fingers fidgeting in Ken's hair.

"I… I love you Ken." A soft sleepy smile spread across Ken's face and he nodded sluggishly.

"Thank you." His hand grabbed Yoji's, tucked it beneath his chin and then promptly fell asleep.

/&/

The differences in Aya's behavior were minute but Yoji knew the man well enough to see them. His cold attitude towards the girls was the same, so were his one-syllable answers and it wasn't like he suddenly had started wearing his heart on his sleeve. But a fraction of the ice in his eyes had melted and his posture was a little less rigid, like some of the world's weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Yoji stayed as far away from the redhead as possible, trying not to think about the reason for Aya's transformation. He had gone through a similar change when he had started going out with Ken and he… just didn't want to think about it. A couple of girls had questioned the blonde's uncharacteristic silence, wondering why he didn't flirt like usual. Yoji swiftly sidetracked them and made sure his act was more believable because the last thing he needed was to be questioned.

As soon as Omi took over he headed to Ken's room and was pleased to find his former lover still sleeping peacefully. He took as seat on the edge of the bed and pondered the brunet's words. Did Ken really mean that he intended to let Yoji go, just like that? And did he also expect Yoji to just step aside and watch as he committed himself to Aya? The blonde sighed deeply and reached out to run his finger's through Ken's hair.

He might feel it was the right thing to do, to honor the brunet's wishes, but how was he supposed to do that? Ken had been right, sort of, claiming that Yoji had been lying when saying that he didn't hate him. The truth was far more complicated than that and he wasn't even sure what he was feeling anymore. Love, that one was given, always had been and always would be. Hurt, because the brunet had kissed someone else. Anger, still lingering from the moment when he saw the blood pool around Ken's head and he had wanted to kill a part of his lover, destroy whatever it was that without a thought almost had killed the person Yoji loved the most. Sadness, almost like bruises on his heart, making it ache and sting, becoming more and more painful as Yoji got more and more sure Ken was slipping away from him.

But hate… No, hate was not what he felt anymore. Sighing he ran his eyes over the brunet's face, the slope of his jaw, his neck and finally settled on the back of his head. It was barely visible anymore; brown hair had started to gain length and almost covered it, the scar from that fateful shot. Why couldn't he just have been happy that Ken survived a bullet to the head? Why did he have to be so damn greedy? Yoji sighed and gently traced his former lover's closed eyes with his finger. He wanted Ken back, blind or not; he wanted that man back in his life.

"I'm sorry," the blonde mumbled quietly, his eyebrows pulling together in a sad frown. He remained sitting there just looking and it wasn't until Ken started showing signs of waking up that he finally left.

/&/

Ken was more than a little reluctant to even think about moving, or think at all really, when he woke up. His entire body felt like it had been mangled, his brain still a little hazy from the drugs and somewhere in the back of his head came a dull ache. He could also feel the distinctive pull in his left calf; informing him that if he just dared to stretch he would get a cramp, not something he felt a need for at the moment.

Grumbling, very quietly, to himself the brunet pondered his options. One was to just simply lie there until his body felt normal. A second was to say fuck it, get up and suffer the consequences. Another was to very slowly start moving and hope for the best. None of them seemed very good but the first one was winning until Ken realized, much to his dismay, that his bladder wasn't going to let him take that option.

"Bummer," he huffed and slowly started to test his muscles, and his poor sore head. His left leg immediately punished him and his calf muscle knotted up painfully. "Holy fuck!"

"Cramp?" a voice asked calmly from over by the door and Ken jumped every so slightly.

"Yeah, could you help me?" He could smell Aya as the redhead approached and firmly, but gently, took a hold of his foot, pressing the toes up and heel down.

"Better?"

"Ow! Not yet, give me a minute," Ken muttered, irritated by his body's way of making him weak. Aya say nothing and simply continued to force the cramping muscle to stretch out. Eventually it gave in and relaxed. "Can you help me get up too?"

"Aa." Sure hands maneuvered him into a sitting position and then pulled him onto his feet.

"Thanks Aya." He swayed for a while before his feet seemed to understand that he wanted them to move. "God, I need to piss," the brunet growled and hobbled towards the bathroom, muttering about his stupid bladder underneath his breath. A very quiet and soft chuckle trailed behind him and Ken responded to it by giving the amused redhead the finger.

TBC

Not a very exiting chapter but at least it's a chapter, right? I'm going back for my final year at Uni next week and that should mean more frequent updates, hopefully, maybe. Ja/Atsureki


	11. Chapter 10 What If

Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers: If they were mine there would be sex and making out and probably no missions or flowers what so ever…

Warnings: OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing: Yeah I think Ken would like to know that too /evil grin/

Notes: Stuff written in _Italic_ would be thoughts.

Chapter 10. What If

The white walls and the sharp fluorescent light made the corridor look sterile and unwelcoming, but not anywhere near as unwelcoming as the tall redhead who was standing just outside one of the many doors. His pale face was twisted into a mask that clearly told people to stay the hell away from him and his eyes were like two purple chips of arctic ice. He didn't move and seemed to keep guard like a rabid watchdog. Moments earlier he had almost scared two nurses to tears with his deadly glare and several other people had taken to making a detour to avoid passing him by.

Aya's attention was not on the corridor though, his ears where completely devoted to detecting any sounds coming from behind the door he guarded. In there Ken was being examined and evaluated by a doctor that Aya had given a warning look before he allowed his friend to go with him. He was deeply concerned for Ken because he wasn't sure how the brunet would react if the news about his sight were bad.

On the ride to the hospital Ken had admitted that even if he could see, everything was blurry and his eyes got tired very quickly. Aya frowned every so slightly as he remembered their conversation. Even though Ken could appear to wear his heart on his sleeve, perhaps more so since he became blind, the redhead knew that it more often than not was the exact opposite. Ken's mask was much better than his or Yoji's or Omi's, it also seemed as it took a lot more energy to keep up. And the whole situation with Yoji was not helping.

As far as Aya was concerned Yoji was a moron, an over obsessed fool who couldn't see what was right in front of him. He had spent all this time blaming Ken for doing something that would have been instinctive to any person who loved someone. There was a part of Aya that understood the anger and the fear that Yoji must be suffering from but in all honesty he was just too damn annoyed and pissed off about the amount of hurt the blond had inflicted on Ken to be sympathetic. It seemed like Yoji was catching up though, but God only knew if he could stay on track long enough to get the whole picture and start repairing the damage he had caused. The door to his left opened and Aya snapped out of his thoughts.

"Ken?" The brunet looked up and gave him a strange smile that Aya couldn't quite interpret. He was about to ask what the doctor had said when Ken hooked one arm around his and almost pulled him towards the exit.

"I'm hungry," Ken declared and seemed to ponder that for a moment. "Burgers? Yeah, definitely burgers, McDonalds," he continued cheerfully and squinted against the sun.

"Aa, wear your glasses," Aya said softly and headed towards the car, not sure what to think.

/&/

Yoji had pretty much given up on working, or given up on pretending to flirt with the girls as of the last half hour or so. His eyes kept glancing at the time and his hands were simply fumbling too much to be allowed near anything fragile. Omi had already yelled at him twice and he was tired of getting stuck by thorns anyway. It had been hours since Aya drove Ken to the doctor and even though he had no idea why Yoji was nervous about their return.

Since he had been told to let go he hadn't been able to think straight and regret had settled in his stomach like a heavy stone. He had to admit that even though it of course sucked royally that he probably had lost Ken, the fact that he had treated him like shit made him feel worse. Or did he feel like that because the entire blame for their broken relationship was on him? Yoji snorted to himself. Wasn't this the problem in the first place? That he was too damn selfish, too quick to feel sorry for himself… Green eyes narrowed.

At the moment all he had to do, and could do, was to apologize for being an ass. Ken could then accept his apology and they could be friends and eventually perhaps get a second chance at a relationship. Of course, Ken could also tell him to go fuck himself and never talk to him ever again. Yoji groaned and decided to stick with the former possibility. It was just after closing time when he finally heard Aya's car and he had to force himself not to run to the door to see if Ken was all right. With a great effort to look like he just happened to be heading upstairs the blond strolled towards the sound of voices.

"Aren't you a little old for balloons?" Aya rumbled and Yoji was just in time to see the brunet grin like a moron, a red balloon floating just above his head.

"The nice lady at McDonalds didn't seem to think so," Ken chirped and balanced precariously on one foot as he tried to untie his sneaker.

"You STOLE it from a little kid," Aya exclaimed and the brunet just grinned wider, pulling the string in order to make the balloon bob up and down.

"I DID NOT! She was handing it to me," he insisted, stuck his tongue out at his taller friend and started skipping towards the stairs. All Yoji could do was stare so hard his eyes practically popped out. Something wasn't right here, something didn't add up. The blond glanced at Aya, who didn't seem the least bit bothered.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked. The redhead looked up from the bags he was sorting through and for a moment Yoji almost thought Aya would tell him that it was none of his business.

"I don't know," Aya admitted and frowned slightly, "I really don't know." The blond matched his teammate's frown and pursed his lips. So, Ken hadn't told Aya? He headed towards the stairs; intent on finding out exactly what put Ken in such a good mood. And what the hell it was that had changed that he couldn't put his finger on.

/&/

Yoji hesitated outside the door to Ken's room. He was worried about what the doctor might have said and he was afraid that Ken's good mood had to do with Aya. There was only one way to find out though. The knocking seemed to go by unnoticed and Yoji was starting to wonder if Ken gone somewhere else… like Aya's room.

"Come in, or don't, whichever suits you best," Ken suddenly hollered cheerfully from inside. The blond blinked, too surprised by his former lovers playful answer to do anything at all. The door opened and Ken's head popped out. "The idea is that you come in," he said with a small smile. Yoji nodded slightly and walked in. Behind him Ken closed the door and then gestured to the only chair in the room.

"I… I was just wondering what the doctor said… an' all," the blond mumbled with uncertainty. His former lover sat down on the bed and for a while he just sat there, quietly observing Yoji. He knew that there was something wrong with the fact that Ken was studying him, that his brown eyes were almost focused on his face, but his brain just couldn't seem to put two and two together.

"I went there because ever since that morning when I disappeared and you went looking for me I've been able to see, sort of," Ken finally said, his voice quiet and subdued. "The thing is that even if I CAN see again I can't see very well. You're pretty much just a big blur until I come much closer. So I went to my doctor to figure this out and I was really afraid that he would tell me that this would go away and…" Ken looked away and Yoji got the strange feeling that he decided to change what he was about to say. "It's not gonna get worse. It's not gonna get better either. He suggested I'd try glasses, perhaps lenses but I dunno if it's gonna help or not."

"You're not blind?"

"Hm, legally I think I am but no, not blind." Somewhere deep inside Yoji something started to simmer and he wasn't sure if he should fight against it or not, his head already reeling with what Ken had told him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the blond hissed and Ken raised an eyebrow in question to the angry tone of voice. "If I had know that you could see I would've…"

"Yoji!" the brunet barked and shot to his feet. His brown eyes were practically blazing as they nailed themselves to Yoji's the best they could. "The fact that I can see has nothing to do with you, it changes nothing between us now, nor would it have done earlier. I told you to let go! Why can't you just let it go Yoji?" The harshness in his voice tapered off and Ken suddenly seemed very, very, tired. "Please, let it go."

"Let it go?" Yoji had to really turn his head inside out in order to keep up with his former lover. And between all that he also had to find the time to mentally kick his own ass for being an ass… again. "I'm not sure I can." Ken didn't comment on that and they just sat there, staring at each other.

"If that bullet would've missed me, or if it had hit me in the arm or somewhere else that wasn't dangerous…" the brunet suddenly said, his tone flat, "you wouldn't have done what you did." Yoji swallowed and looked away. He wasn't sure if that was a question or not or exactly what Ken was claiming he wouldn't have done, and Yoji really wished that Ken didn't sounded like… well… Aya.

"I…"

"No, I get it, I do. I still don't understand why you hate me now but if you hadn't thought I was going to be blind forever you wouldn't have left me, right?"

"Ken, that's not…"

"Fuck you Yoji! I needed you and I thought that you'd be there for me, but you just walked away. You told me I was going to be blind for the rest of my life and then you just walked away! I'm sorry I got shot. I'm sorry I didn't see that guard. I'm sorry!" Stunned by the guilt Ken's words had inflicted on him he stared at the floor. It was fucking hard to defend himself against accusations that were true.

"It was never about you being blind," he finally said quietly and heard how Ken snorted at him. "It wasn't and I'm sorry I made you think that."

"Why then, why?"

"You almost got yourself killed Ken," the blond almost growled and met his former lover's eyes again. "And I hated you for that." Ken's eyes lit up with shock and his mouth dropped open. "I almost lost you because you were stupid enough to try and stop a bullet with your own body!" The brunet shook himself to recover from Yoji's words.

"I was trying to save your life! I did what anyone would've done for someone they love!" Yoji shot to his feet and didn't care that he was practically spitting as he screamed.

"Who the hell asked you to save my life? That's a fucked up thing to do for a loved one Ken! Do you have idea what that feels like? What it was like to see you lying there bleeding to death because you thought I wanted it that way?"

"Yotan…" The blond shook his head and ignored the fact that there were tears pressing against his eyes.

"You almost made me lose you and for what; some fucking sense of obligation? I saw that guard Ken, I SAW HIM and I didn't say anything because he hadn't seen you!" One tear escaped and Yoji turned around before he wiped it away. "He was aiming at my chest and he was dying, barely had the strength to keep his eyes open. And I knew that he only had one shot and as long as he aimed it at me it would be all right." Ken moved behind him, shifted on the bed.

"So it would've be okay for you to do what I did?" the brunet grated out and Yoji couldn't stop himself from letting out a bitter laughter.

"Ken, I was wearing a vest! You told me to always wear one and I always did."

/&/

Yoji's words kept echoing inside Ken's skull. He had lost his sight for no reason; he had almost gotten himself killed in vain. As the impact of the whole thing hit the brunet he started laughing, first as a quiet chuckle and then almost hysterically as he wept. What a fool he had been! But what if that guard had gotten two shots off? What if he had aimed higher? What if? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif?

Ken shook his head to stop those two words from stringing themselves together until it drove him insane. Maybe Yoji would have been all right without Ken interfering but it was still just a maybe. Ken had to be honest with himself and admit that even if he had known that his actions could cost him his sight and that Yoji might have been okay on his own he would still have thrown himself in front of that bullet all over again.

The blond had stalked off somewhere and Ken was tired, emotionally exhausted. He rose, wiped the tears from his face and for a long time he just stood there squinting at the door.

His head was throbbing slightly but it didn't seem to be the start of one of the horrific headaches. A normal one he could handle and he knew just the thing to ease it. With a determined look on his face he changed into a pair of sweats and a ratty old t-shirt before he left his room, heading for one of the other bedrooms. The door was unlocked and the darkness inside did nothing to slow him down anymore, he was used to fumbling around in it. He could here the telltale breathing from a sleeping person from the bed and he didn't hesitate to follow it.

Carefully he slipped into bed and turned his back against his sleeping teammate. It was only a matter of seconds before a chest was pressed against his back and a strong arm snaked around his waist. Ken settled down to sleep, his entire body relaxing at the familiar feeling.

"Good night Yoji," he murmured, grabbed the blond's hand in his and fell asleep.

TBC

Um I don't really have anything to say... Ja/Atsureki


End file.
